...and gratitude for the paths we DID take
...and gratitude for the paths we DID take
The unexpected Part 2 to last week's Carousel on grief
This is an unplanned, but poetic part 2 to last week’s Carousel.
Last week I talked about how we grieve the paths we didn’t take.
[Thank you, by the way, to everyone who got in touch and shared their own experiences of this (including one friend, who works with twins - one who studied Spanish at Sheffield and the other at Cambridge - how’s that for testing!)]
And this week, I’m feeling gratitude for the paths I did.
I’ve just got back from a long weekend in Vienna, celebrating the 50th of my old boss from when I worked there. When she joined the organisation she’d just had her 40th. I remember thinking how grown up that was, and how far off it seemed. I feel the same about her 50th now. My 40th meanwhile is just around the corner. As my 50th will be, in a decade from now. Time, eh?
I made a pilgrimage to my old street in the 7th district. As I walked down it, seeing the grocery stores and bars I remember, I was overwhelmed by a wave of gratitude. How lucky I had been to spend a year of my life living in Vienna in my late 20s. I really took it in, that experience I’d had. The streets I’d begun to know and love. The people, who became friends for life (and I really felt that, spending time with them this weekend.) Living in Vienna had started to be a throwaway chapter in my story 'and then I lived in Vienna for a year’, but being back there, I really drunk it in. That was a cool thing to do, Sarah.
I’d been lucky enough to live on my own in Vienna. A colleague’s family had a gorgeous flat, which suddenly became available, and they’d offered it to me for 400 euros a month. It was palatial and I used to dance around it to the few CDs they’d left there, including the Hair soundtrack. (I didn’t yet have Spotify or the Grounding Sounds playlist - can you imagine?!).
It was in that flat, 10 years ago, almost to the day, that I began to dream up another life for myself. I loved working in education and cared deeply about schools but I was hungry for something else. To create. To make. To play music. To write. To put on events. I wasn’t sure what yet, but I was bursting with anticipation to DO MY OWN THING.
In February 2013, when we all worked from home as the office moved locations, I sat in my flat and opened a journal my sister had gifted me. I thought about what success meant to me and I scribbled down possible projects open mic night? learn stand-up comedy? finally get my songs on YouTube!!! maybe I could try freelancing and see what it would be like to have loads of different projects? that could be cool. get up at 11am and meet people for coffee and chat ideas then run a workshop. learn to DJ? INDIA?!!
And I made lists of the things that made me feel alive. Harmonising. Puns. Coming up with ideas. Jamming. Speaking languages. Walking on Dartmoor. Connecting with people.
I put dots next to the ones that were currently in my life. 6 out of 24.
About once a year I revisited that list and found the numbers going up, until in about 5 years in pretty much everything was ticked off. (You can read/look at my drawings about this evolution here).
There is a strange feeling as I close this decade. On the one hand, wow, I did it. I did all those things I wanted to do, and more. And another that tugs at me… what now? What’s next? In some ways I feel quite resistant to big dreams and big goals these days. But maybe it was by having these dreams and goals that I was able to activate my internal system that now knows what to say yes to. And maybe I don’t need to do it so explicitly anymore. And let’s face it however many goals I’ve set for myself, some of the best things I’ve done have still come from unexpected conversations, chance meetings and serendipity. Some of the things that take up the most of my Carousel life right now are things I didn’t even know I wanted to do, but once I started I was like ‘oh yeah, this is obvious.’ And others have reflected back, ‘yes, why did I never think of that for you! It makes so much sense.’
So - TLDR. Set goals, maybe. But also don’t worry too much if you don’t. Just focus on what feels alive and follow the flow. (Or something).
Oh, and the funny full circle thing with all this? I only got the job in Vienna back in 2012 because I speak German. And I only speak German because I had to study a 2nd language when I got to Cambridge. I walked around the streets this weekend in a different parallel life to last weekend, knowing that that year, the friendships, the memories, and goddamnit the life dreaming I did in my flat were because of the path I did take back in 2003 - and there is some comfort in that.
And I also like to imagine that we all end up in the same place anyway… That I’d be sitting in this pub now writing a similar story, about having been on a weekend away somewhere else, to revisit some colleagues in Spain perhaps, where I first dreamed up wanting to do more music in a journal my sister gifted me… And there is comfort in that too.
On my Carousel:
💜Sam Moyo and I had a great chat about self-love + marrying ones-self, to a soundtrack of absolute BANGERS. If you need to clean the house, go on a long drive, a run, or a supermarket shop, this is a great accompaniment.
I’ve had a few co-hosts in while my usual co-host Jenn was away. Listen to Donna Easton talking about JOY and Christina Watson talking about how DEATH can help us feel more ALIVE. Great convos, top tunes, a right good laff.
🎙In the latest episode of my podcast, I have my dear friend, arts psychotherapist, and wise wise woman Zaira Mughal on my podcast sharing about her divorce. It's a deep, honest episode about the cultural, societal and emotional reasons we hold on to relationships, even if all the signs are there that it is over. What Zaira has gone on to do since her divorce is truly remarkable. For anyone, who is feeling totally lost in life, this episode is full of hope. Zaira took the darkest moments of her life and learned to love herself, and is committed to helping others do the same. Thank you, Zaira for sharing your story with the world - you are a total inspiration.
🎉By now, you’ll have released I love a nostalgic reflection. I’ve written some words on insta about what I’ve learned from a year of podcasting.
I’ll leave you with some posters I found in a toilet in Vienna.
Big love and thanks for reading,
Sarah x
