Another honest Carousel - navigating the uncertainty is REALLY HARD
Hello Carousellers,
I just shared with my sister that I’ve been wanting to write a Carousel for ages but I didn't know where to start. So I thought I’d start there - with the not knowing. How I feel about this newsletter is a microcosm for life right now.
I so didn't want this to be the next Carousel I wrote - I have stories of joy and inspiration to share from the last few months - but this newsletter is about the realities of living a life with many interests, and I feel like I've been going through such a big navigation of that recently, that it feels important to share, even though it's really scary to.
I’m not sure if it’s pandemic related - it must be - this feeling that now we’re granted more freedom that we need to make the most of this time ahead of us. These next few months of my life feel SO IMPORTANT. Like it’s laced with 18 months of lockdown-infused expectation.
COME ON, THEN. What’s your purpose NOW?
It’s far too much pressure.
Last month I turned 36 and it really threw me. I know there will be readers who are way beyond that, possibly scoffing at this, the way I smirk at newly-turned 30s having a life crisis and feeling old. But it’s really hit me. The feeling that I could still have a family if I wanted to, but I haven’t got forever. And then also starting to let that go… Maybe that’s just not what I’ll do in this lifetime. But then if I don’t have a family, what am I going to do instead that makes that feel okay? And that’s where the pressure starts. Do something that’s so wonderful that you’re glad you don’t have a family. Fuck, I don’t know.
In the past 4 weeks I have been through a tumultuous back and forth with THE NEXT STEPS. In March I planned to move to Spain for the Autumn and made steps to move there - sorted accommodation and flights. Then during the summer I got a composing job (more on that in another newsletter, because it’s a good story) and on a whim decided to apply for an MA in Musical Theatre + composition here in the UK. It was a great position to be in - either way I had an exciting plan for the Autumn - living in Spain or the MA.
But when I got accepted onto the MA - I wasn’t so sure anymore. Something didn't feel quite right. So I took myself to San Sebastian for a holiday, partly to recharge, partly to allow the decision to land. For the first few days I couldn't switch off, and then I decided to plant the questions into my trip and allow it to work itself out.
During the trip I changed my mind 100 times. I was a hard no on the MA and totally let it go. I was offered a long-term flat in San Sebastian and seriously considered moving there. I spoke to the course director of the MA and felt really excited about the prospect of doing it. Every day, a new opportunity, a new idea. Moving through me like water... At any point in time if you'd pressed freeze and asked me what my plan was, I'd be now living a completely different life.
On the day of the equinox, I went to the beach at San Sebastian for our evening meditation session I had with the hostel and felt like my spine was split in two - on the one hand I had this opportunity to live in Spain by the sea, to work remotely on my business and projects. On the other hand, the chance to go back to London and pursue my composing, something I’d wanted to do my whole life, with 14 other like-minded people. I allowed my body to hold these dichotomies and these contrasting parts of me: the nomad, the muso, the linguist, the aspiring West End composer, the sea-lover, the academic... it is all part of me.
The next day, with huge support from my sister who is a masterful coach, I dug deeper into what I really wanted to do.
I asked my heart and it said ‘come on, Sarah - it’s time to do the music!’
And another voice said ‘San Sebastian will always be a sacred place for you, you don’t have to live here permanently.’
I decided to accept the MA - it felt really good. A huge relief. Excitement. Energy. Saying yes to me.
At this point I was considering writing a newsletter to you all about the power of waiting for a decision to land, and the power of holidays, and all of the powerful things that happen when we allow ourselves to unwind... But sadly, the saga continues...
I went to the induction for the MA yesterday and felt really disappointed with the course, the course mates, the whole vibe of the department. The lack of ambition that pervaded my high school was present - ‘don’t bother trying to make a CAREER out of music! It’s just not possible!’ It was such low-vibration. My whole body said 'no, Sarah. This is not where you need to be.' But then there is a small voice saying, 'be open minded. Be curious. See what this could bring. You're here now.'
So now I am feeling totally lost and back to the indecision. And meanwhile have cancelled a bunch of work and courses to clear space for the MA...
I'm sure in 24hours I am going to feel totally different.
And yes, aware that I'm lucky to even have this dilemma.
But fuuuuuck it’s crap. It’s crap feeling so lost and so lacking in purpose. Even though you know you are surrounded by amazing people and amazing opportunities - it can just feel so destabilising.
And I speak to others who are in the same boat in different parts of their lives - and I know sometimes it helps me to just know I'm not alone in this navigation, so I'm hoping this can bring solace to some of you too. I'm aware there are people on this newsletter who I don't know, or who have maybe just joined. That also makes me feel quite scared to share this.
And hopefully the next Carousel will be full of joy and inspiration. But right now, it's full of honesty.
Yep, it’s hard right now.
Sarah x