''I was deep in life here, and now I had to leave?''

The pain and adventure of unexpected endings...

Happy Monday Carousellers,

I spend a lot of time thinking about intentional endings: how to know whether it’s time to move on, finish projects, call it quits.

I’ve thought about how it feels in our bodies when a cycle is complete, and how to honour that completion through ritual or celebration.

But what I hadn’t considered is how to deal with unexpected endings.

What happens when you’re still in the middle of a cycle, with no plans to end something, and it suddenly comes to a close?

Two months ago, in the middle of my summer break, I found out I had to leave my gorgeous flat by 1st October.

As I’ve shared on this newsletter many times, I have LOVED this flat. I’ve woken up every day in disbelief that I get to call this my home. I’m on the 12th floor, overlooking water and with daily extraordinary sunsets (sorry for the social media spam!) The space has allowed me to create freely, host gorgeous gatherings, and rethink my career. I’ve also been walking distance from the West Reservoir, and am now a year-round swimmer. I’ve made so many friends locally, including a DJ practise buddy, who I ended up hosting a night with. I’ve found a whole community of singers and swimmers who meet regularly outdoors to share songs around a fire. I was deep in life here, and now I had to leave?

At that point, in the first week of August, I could not conceptialise what the next step would look like. And yet now as I reach the final few days at my current flat, I feel at peace and excited about where I’m going next. The past two months have been both miserable and magical. And I’ve learned tonnes.

I started writing up the process I’ve been through, but have a feeling this might be a longer piece of writing, and needs a decent chapter of my book dedicated to it. (Ahh yes, I’m writing a book! More on that soon :))

But what I will do, is send some advice to Sarah two months ago. And if you’re also going through an unexpected ending right now, (and it feels appropriate) maybe these prompts can help you too…

1. Give yourself time to grieve. Allow all the feelings to come up. The old stories. The rage. The shame. Anything about your age and where you should be in life. Cry. Stay in bed for the day. Don’t skip this bit.

2. Don’t feel any pressure to start taking action on the next steps yet. At some point you’ll be ready and you’ll have the energy to do this. But for now, just be.

3. When you begin to imagine the next step, don’t be too tightly attached to reinventing the current situation. Do you still need to be in N16? Near the reservoir? Even London? What is it you actually need, and how else could that be met? Can you zoom out and imagine a totally different future for yourself (which could be even better?!)

4. I know you’ve loved this flat, but consider which needs aren’t getting met. You don’t have any outdoor space. It can be lonely living alone. And wouldn’t it be nice not to have to cook every meal?! Is this next chapter a chance to bring in some of these again?

5. Make a list of the things you’d love your new home to have and send it to everyone. Someone will ask if you really meant ‘walking distance from wild swimming’ to be a the top of the list. You realise how it has become a non-negotiable for you.

6. Some people will reply with ideas of places to live. Part of you wants a solution, but you know in your gut these places don’t feel right. Say no to viewings that don’t feel aligned.

7. Get support from your coach. She can help create the space for you to tap into your intuition and access solutions you hadn’t even thought of (namely, what if I take on an entire house and rent out the rooms to my friends in some kind of creative getaway?)

8. After the session draw / sketch* this house, and then take all the pressure off finding it. Your one job now is to keep feeling the things you want to feel in your new house. Do things that make you feel spacious, relaxed and peaceful.

9. At some point you’ll feel ready to search for houses. Be open to places outside of London, just to see.

10. Trust your gut to go and visit a property, even if it doesn’t quite make sense. Follow all the universal nudges.

11. Say yes if it feels good. You’ll know in your body.

12. When it’s almost time to move on, leave lots of space for endings in your flat. Invite people round who have shared the space with you, try not to book too much work in so you have time to pack and sort your things calmly. Honour this chapter with gratitude.

I never thought I could find somewhere to live that felt as exciting as where I am now, but this next chapter is feeling really magical. I’ve found a gorgeous 4-bedroom house in Brighton, which I’m renting out to me and 3 creative women for a year. I really wanted the feeling of family, and I already sense that we’ll have that, especially as it’s intergenerational (we’re between 20s and 50s). I wanted to continue being walking distance to outdoor swimming, and the seafront will be 13 mins away. I wanted to continue the feeling of spaciousness and autonomy I’ve had in this flat, which feels realised by the size of the house and the fact I’m choosing the people I bring in. I wasn’t sure about leaving London, so I’ve called this year my ‘‘Sea-batical’’, to take the pressure of it being some long-term move.

*Oh, and the sketch I drew after the coaching session is almost identical. I couldn’t believe it.

So there we go. Life can throw a curve ball, and nudge us way out of where we thought we’d be. And it can be really frustrating, and sad, and devastating.

And there can be light on the horizon.

For everyone going through some big curve balls at the moment, I see you and am sending you a huge affirming hug. This bit is the shit bit, but it will get easier.

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ON THE ‘LETTING GO’ CAROUSEL

🐍 I’m collaborating with

Zahra Davidson

on her publication ‘Snakeskin’. She’s stepping down as CEO of her organisation Huddlecraft, and we’re letting you in on a series of personal voicenotes we’re sending each other, to help process her journey. People have been loving the vulnerability and openness so far!

You can read the first post here. If you’re a subscriber to Carousel, they will be crossposted to your emails.

🂡 I’m designing a Beautiful Endings card pack at the moment. I thought I’d pick a couple of cards at random and share them on Carousel each week. Let me know how it feels to answer them, and if comfortable, share your responses in the comments.

From the ALCHEMISE section

Think of a recent ending… what did you learn about yourself?

From the LOOKING BACK section

Is there something in your life that is still in limbo? (Unclear if it has ended?)

I will share my answers on these next week… when I write to you from new house!

Biggest hug to you all,

Sarah x