In praise of spaciousness
Suggested track: Martha Tilston - Space
Whenever I’m coaching someone and they say ‘I need more money’ or ‘I need a job’, rather than getting into strategic brainstorm mode, I first ask them how having those things would make them feel.
I get them to close their eyes and connect with the idea of already having a job and enough money: notice how their body relaxes, how their breathing slows down, and how the felt sense in that moment is that everything is okay.
(We never really want the job, or the money themselves; we want what those things will give us - security, more time to be, freedom, a sense of accomplishment, peace.)
From there I get clients to generate a list of statements that they imagine they’d be able to say about their life once they had the money or job.
I feel relaxed.
I feel secure.
I feel playful.
I feel proud.
There is spaciousness…
This last one has been coming up in almost all my clients recently: a desire to feel more spacious.
On Monday I went for a walk in the late afternoon sun with someone who has a very demanding job in the NHS. When we paused to sit on a seat in the sunshine she commented that she couldn’t remember the last time she’d been able to spend a Monday afternoon in this way. For me, it’s become quite the norm. I reflected that in the 14 years since I left full time teaching, and in the 11 years since I left full time employment, I’ve really carved a life for myself where there’s space to be, alongside and within the pockets of meaningful work. It’s taken intention (and a f*ck tonne of coaching and therapy), but I’m proud of the rhythm I’m now in. If back to back busyness was the backing track to my 20s, spaciousness has been the soundtrack to my 30s. It’s been in the small decisions; the day to day changes, rather than having big chunks of time off, that’s given me the feeling of being able to breathe better.
With my clients rather than saying ‘let’s imagine the spaciousness you’ll feel when you finally get a job’ I say: ‘how can you find spaciousness right now?’
Spaciousness is the speed in which we walk to the kitchen to make a cup of tea.
Spaciousness is taking 5 minutes to stare out of the window before turning on notifications in the morning.
Spaciousness is choosing to say no to a webinar we’ve signed up for and instead go for an evening walk.
Spaciousness is taking a breath before responding to a triggering message.
When coaching clients with children, where I know that the idea of spaciousness seems laughable, there are still mini-moments, mini-choices. Even if it’s just a breath - we can try and find it.
There’s often an irony in the way we approach things. We want a job so we can feel calmer, and then the way we try and find that job is to spend hours on the least calm platform in the world - Linked In, feeling crap, drained and exhausted (I’ve been there so many times).
We want to more money so we can feel relaxed, and then we end up feeling incredibly stressed about trying to make it. Constantly looking at banking apps. Staying up all night making plans (again, I’ve been there so many times).
This morning I woke up to an email from one of my biggest clients saying that they will pause our work this year, and I observed myself go through a very interesting cycle of emotions.
Firstly, I was surprised to see I felt trust. Often when work gets cancelled it’s making space for something else, which I don’t even know about yet (similarly with losing my London flat in 2023, which gave me the nudge to move to Brighton).
Then, I felt worried. It’s a big chunk of money that I’ve become used to every year. Am I going to be able to find that money from something else? Will I be able to pay rent?
Then, came the problem solving creativity - I observed myself kick into action and come up with a million different ways I could make money - programmes I could run, offers I could launch. GO GO GO.
Then, came panicked action - I need to change my website, I’ll have to launch something next week, I shouldn’t be going on holiday, fuuuuuuuuuck!
(This whole cycle was probably 60 seconds max).
I stopped and caught myself trying to take action from this place. The desire for that money is a desire for a sense of calm in my nervous system. So how can I focus on feeling calm first and find solutions from there?
So in these moments of freelance fragility I am reminding myself to go back to the spaciousness - to breathe, to keep doing things that feel good. And as if on cue, when I went downstairs to make my morning coffee, one of my housemates had written our names on the mini white board with ‘what kind thing am I going to do for myself today.’ A reminder that we have to start there. And that if we start with the slowness, the spaciousness, the kind thoughts, we are going to be in such a better position to bring in the aligned work. I drank my coffee in the garden in the sunshine, journalled a bit, and then felt inspired to write this.
One of my clients recently designed a day of feeling carefree (one of the ways he wants to feel once he has enough money) - he took himself off without his phone cycling along the coast, topping himself up on goodness. And I always say to people, it’s from THIS place that we end up having a random encounter with someone who ends up offering us work. When we’ve been scrolling Linked In for opportunities, we either don’t leave the house, or are so stressed when we do that we’re not open to conversations. I do believe it’s all out there… and that the feelings we want can be created in each moment.
I really struggle to remember this. And I’m so grateful for every coaching session with a client, because it anchors me back into remembering that I need to do it too.
So, on this sunny Friday, what is it you want to feel more of? And what small decision will put you in that state?
Good luck!
Sarah
On my Carousel
🔮 Back around the Carousel after a LONG hiatus is Sarah Moany - my Australian spiritual healer comedy character. On Saturday night our house hosted a Cabaret night and I brought her out to do a stand-up set for the first time! (I also haven’t done stand-up since 2020 so this was another ‘back-around’-er). You can watch the full set here. And a clip about having practising having better boundaries by saying no to HMRC here.
🎹 We’re getting ready for festival season with 90s Piano Singalong! We’ll be at Love Trails Festival in Wales and Glastooooo (Wednesday night sing through of all the main acts - helloooo Alanis medley!)
🧑🏻🏫 I’ve spent the Easter Holidays offering 1:1 coaching to people working in education and it’s been such a joy! If you’ve been looking for a coach and are interested in discussing how we could work together please book in a time here.
💗 I’m half way through my self-designed ‘‘40 weeks to 40’’ challenge - opening myself to new experiences in dating, love and intimacy. I am learning and feeling loads! I can’t wait to digest and share this with you all at some point. But for now - being in the process :)
