On Freelancer Loneliness - I've created the space to breathe, so why doesn't that feel good?

Hello Carousellers,

Between 2014-2016 I worked a part time job 2-3 days a week to bring me income while I explored my business ventures. 

It was a casual office job filled with people who were in transition after teaching - some setting up social enterprises, some launching creative careers, some just having a breather after burning out in the classroom.

To me, this job was a holding pen. As each of my colleagues got a new job, or grew their business enough to no longer need to work there, the fact that I was still there really bothered me.

I longed for the day when I would be free from this office job and could work full time on my business. That would be the absolute DREAM.

In 2016 I left that job, moved to Devon to live with my parents and worked full time on Power of Uke, the Female Founders Accelerator and Rye Laughs. As I’ve shared before it was the first time I had ever really stopped. I had evenings in for the first time in my life. Meals and baths and books to read. It was a total revelation and contrast to my 5-plans-an-evening London pace.

In Jan 2017, with my new ‘I don’t need to be busy anymore’ attitude, I moved back to London and had a year of real flow - running projects I loved, managing my own time, and even taking 5 weeks off in the summer to walk the camino. I had found this beautiful balance of work and play. I was energised, inspired and on a roll.

But when I stopped doing the Female Founders Accelerator in 2018, I started to feel pangs of sadness. Of loneliness. Boredom. I no longer had a place of work, or a ‘main thing.’ It felt like the right decision to move away from that project, but I didn’t replace it with anything. 

I was working on my TEDx and doing some ukulele workshops, but it wasn’t really taking up all my time. I wasn’t busy anymore. And I kept remembering back to my office job thinking ‘isn’t this what you wanted?!’

So there was a really weird feeling of ‘I think I’ve got it really good’ but also ‘why am I so unhappy?’ 

I didn't get a part time job. I didn't want to go there. It had felt like such a long process to get to this set up.

My desire to have a sense of belonging led me to set up a lot of communities - moon groups, singing days, Tuekuleles, expanding my Power of Uke team… I also joined co-workings again and did loads of courses, and improv groups. There were flashes of connection again but deep down there was an underlying current of ‘something is missing.’

I kept hiring coaches because I didn’t feel I was motivated, but, really, I think I was just a bit lacking in energy from being alone too much.

I realise today that that office job was so much more to me than income. It was a place of belonging - I had a colleagues who became good friends, a place of experimentation - I ran clubs after work (I set up a ukulele club and a Spanish club over those two years), and crucially 2-3 days a week where I couldn’t think about my business. I thought this was a problem to solve; I now wonder if that was what was enabling the growth in the first place. That time where you can’t think is actually hugely beneficial. It’s where the unconscious mind does its magic. It’s also about getting inspiration by coming into contact with different people and scenarios. It’s not always about opening a journal and sitting in silence to get ideas. Sometimes just getting out there and doing other things help get things moving.

Maybe you’re reading this thinking ‘duh’ OBVIOUSLY. But it has taken a while for this to settle in. That the sadness I feel as a freelancer is often loneliness and TOO much time to be with my own ideas. When you have 5 days a week there is SO much pressure to create something incredible - when you have 2 or 3, somehow the energy is different. With the pressure off, the ideas and motivation have space to breathe.

I think for a long time I’ve resisted getting a job because I thought it was giving up on what I’d created for myself: this space, this autonomy. I am now seeing that working somewhere would actually, ironically, be giving me a break! Well, giving my brain a break, anyway. I don't know what that looks like yet, and I also know this isn't the first time I've talked about it, but the reason WHY I'd be getting a job is clearer now. It's not financial; it's social and mental wellbeing.

This is also why the first lockdown felt like such a flow state for me - because I was actually really busy working on different communities. I was in the Wellbeing Collective, running Stuck at Home parties, and making music videos with my flat mates. I felt purposeful, connected and vibrantly busy.

I am sharing this to help me process, but also as I think this is a common theme with people who leave traditional work. We want something really different, but maybe we lose something really important in the process - connection and common purpose. 

I’d love to hear what your experience has been of working with the extra space, of what keeps your brain motivated and ticking…

Love Sarah x