Permission to be

A rare moment of self-acceptance on a slow Monday...

It’s 1:44pm and I am just starting to emerge from a very slow morning…

I’ve just made a cup of coffee and am staring out of the window at the sunny London afternoon.

I haven’t left the house yet or ‘done anything productive’.

I’m gradually unpacking my suitcase from a holiday I got back from on Thursday evening.

My flat is a mess.

And yet I want to celebrate this.

Because a few months ago, maybe even a few weeks ago I would have beaten myself up for taking a day like this. For going with my rhythms. For allowing a day of chill.

I talk about the importance of it, but secretly I’d be messaging friends asking:

‘am I terrible person because I’m still in bed?’

‘am I wasting my life?’

‘should I be doing something with this time?’

I’d be outsourcing permission to be; to rest.

Today, I am feeling total acceptance of this space I’ve created for myself.

I’m allowing a Monday to be a recharge day.

For the empty space to be a holding rather than a problem.

I wanted to write this and capture it, because I don’t always feel this way.

And maybe you’re also having a slow Monday, or slow January and it’s feeling uncomfortable.

Working for myself for nearly a decade, I’ve learned time and time again that there is no point trying to force oneself to push on.

I will have the energy to sort the flat out later.

The emails will be written.

But these moments of staring into the sun with a lovely coffee, this is the whole point of creating an autonomous life.

One of the reasons I am feeling in need of recharge is that on Friday afternoon I put out a podcast episode of Knowing When to Quit, which was personal and raw. My friend Kim Willis and I shared our experiences of being single women in late 30s/early 40s who do not yet have children, and may not have them. What will our life look like without children? Are we okay with not becoming mothers, or should we do something about it?

I’ve re-listened to the episode, and have been reading so many messages from friends in ALL stages of the having children journey, sharing what has and hasn’t resonated. I’ve also had friends say that they are not in a space to listen right now, but are grateful that the conversation is out there.

And I wonder if my body needs to have a little pause today. Because it’s a big thing to share, and a big thing to be in dialogue about. There is probably a lot of processing going on in my body behind the scenes that I’m not even aware of.

But we’re both really glad we have shared it.

So, if it feels like a topic you’d like to listen to, you can download the episode here.

Wishing you all a restful day.

Sarah x