Self-compassionate leave and the timetable that lasted 3 days...

Hello Carousellers,

🎠For those of you who are new here, Carousel is a model that supports you to work intuitively with your many projects and interests, and this newsletter consists of musings to support you to live in this way. You can read up more here.

For the first time since I left teaching 10 years ago I made myself a timetable. 

Yep. 

A SCHEDULE. 

Rather than having my coaching calendar available all day every day I choose specific times I wanted to coach. 
I planned in time to do final edits and publication of my podcast each week.
I put aside time for composing and making music.

I didn't recognise myself! I showed my timetable off to friends with glee, so proud that I was feeling organised and that I had finally felt able to schedule my life again after being timetabled to the minute when I was in the classroom. This time it was on MY terms. Made with JOY.

I managed 3 days before a wave of tiredness overtook me so suddenly that I had to get into bed and didn't get up for 4 days. A mixture of moving house, completing my coaching course, launching my podcast all at once mixed with a war starting and a pandemic that is over but obviously not over - completely floored me. 
And then on the Monday I found out my Grandma had died. She was a real matriarch in our family - during the first lockdown we met every Sunday with her for quizzes, singing and creative activity. On New Years Eve she was dancing enthusiastically to 'Get off my land!' and asking what the lyrics were. She lived her life to the absolute max and was so full of love. I still can't quite believe that she's not here anymore. 

I kept going for a couple of days and then then knew I had to stop. One by one I held up my arrangements and asked 'can I postpone this?' 'is this essential' and I cancelled them all until I had nothing left. The only big bit of work I had this month has landed on the same day of the funeral so I've had to cancel that too. I'm still doing the odd coaching call to energise me, but I've totally stripped back.

There is guilt here. Guilt that I don't have a full time job where I can take compassionate leave. I feel shame that taking this time for myself, my family, my mental health directly means I am not earning. One day I will set my business up with passive income structures, but I'm not there yet. So I have to be with this. Give myself my OWN self-compassionate leave. This is where I'm at right now. Know that some months will be busier, some emptier. Maybe it's the normal set up that is unusual. 

What a contrast from a few weeks ago when I was full of the love of life! 

And yet my life is still full of love in different ways. I've never felt closer to my family and cousins. I reached out to my communities for support - the band I play in, the organisations I freelance for - and they have caught me in their arms. 'Take the time you need'... 'I've got the slides open too in case you need to take a minute'...'we can cover you.' All of this has meant the world. Friends have been checking in enough and with so much care.

I'm on a mastermind at the moment and one of the supervisor's offered the affirmation: 'it is safe for my business to support me and my family in times of need.' And I really loved that reframe. I CAN take this time. I CAN move things about. I can be with the the rhythms of life. And yes, the timetable was there as an intention of my commitment to my work and I will come back to it when I can. I am not a machine that has to stay on a programme or it will self-combust (that I know of). 

I'm wondering how this resonates with others who may have periods that need to be slower, quieter, more reflective and how we can start normalising the need to be in tune with our rhythms, rather than fight against them.

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On my Carousel

🎙Since my last Carousel I've launched my podcast 'Knowing When to Quit' and this week, fittingly, was all about allowing ourselves to be in metaphorical winter - not resist it. I'd love you to have a listen, and to the whole podcast. 

🌳 I'm organising a nourishing singing retreat in Devon 22-24th April with my good friend Jenna Blencowe.  We'll be weaving rituals, nature-connection with musical theatre joy and fire-side jams. There are four spaces left - we'd love you to join us.

🎵I've taken over running the Sunday Assembly choir. For those in London the rehearsals are every other Monday in Temple with a performance at Sunday Assembly once a month. Drop in and free to attend. Details here. 

🇨🇴 Listening to Encanto on Repeat - anyone else?

Sending love to you all,
Sarah x

www.sarahweiler.com