Something happened with Carousel this month
Something happened with Carousel this month. I put pressure on it. I started to compare myself to people who have newsletter followings in the 1000s and wondered why I was even bothering. I started to feel embarrassed about the format, and whether I should be moving to a ''proper'' website like Substack.
I wondered if anyone was even reading this and 'who did I think I was' to even imagine I'd have a following.
The content was all there. I've spent the month continuously writing ideas in my journal, thinking "I'll put this in Carousel" and then not writing the newsletter, because of all the above. Carousel has been something I've loved writing for the past 18 months and the reason it's felt joyful and easy is because I haven't put pressure on it to be anything. I didn't expect it to get followers, or make the news. I just wanted to write and share and move my musings away from Facebook. I had zero expectations and that's why I was able to write it.
Carousel is like a child who had been enjoying tinkering away at the piano and maybe I'd been sharing the odd video on the family whatsapp chat but now suddenly I have pushed them out to do a top recital in front of 1000s of people or set up a YouTube channel for them. Naturally, they have freaked out. I love the start of projects for many reasons, but one big driver is no-one expects too much of them, least of all me. We tend to be praised for our courage the start. People are in awe that the blog/business/guitar-playing has even started, and in turn there is a carefree-ness to our efforts. It just sort of happens because it's not really a thing.
But after a certain amount of time we have a sense that it should be a thing now. It's time for it to grow up and have status and clarity and shape. A mission. A direction.
People talk about the 'relationship escalator' - the unspoken steps that a relationship should go through from dating, to moving in together, to getting married... and there can be pressure to move through those stages, even if that's not where you're at. I feel the same with the projects I work on. That once it's gone through the project ''honeymoon phase'' that I should be scaling, reaching more people, having a social media campaign for it and that it's no longer acceptable for this to be in it the ''early stages'', numbers and reach wise.
But is that true?
I really enjoy projects when they are manageable, when I have the sense of the community, when I can read the list of names and recognise how I'm connected to everyone. It's comforting. My moon group has 75 people in it. My comedy nights used to have 60 people in the audience. This newsletter has 200 readers. There is something quite satisfying about creating and serving in this way. There's an intimacy to it.
But then I look at Carousel and think - this is a good concept, should I be doing more with it? Should I be trying to reach more people? Is the reason I'm NOT scaling because I'm too scared to be seen? Is it that? Or is it actually that this set up of writing a newsletter once a month and growing organically works for me? (This newsletter started off with 30 people).
Maybe... neither is true. And the joy of being your own creative life agent is that you can decide in any moment what you want something to be. I've loved lockdown nights singing harmonies with my housemates. I've also loved singing with 3000 others at Glastonbury. Both have been epic. Neither is superior.
I've got a backlog of blogs and musings to share with you all soon, but I wanted to punctuate it with this stream of consciousness meta-share about the creative process of making this very newsletter. Because isn't this just CLASSIC CAROUSEL?! Something can effortlessly be in focus until we realise it's in focus... and then it's like it wants to sneak off and not be pinned down. Don't make me BE something, just let me flow. The Carousel is a free spirit. It's a cycle, not a static.
So I'm letting Carousel move around the Carousel. Letting it go... allowing it to pause at the BACK OF THE CAROUSEL for now. Giving it some breathing space.
And as always, allowing the things I create to also be my teachers, and mirrors.
Until next time,
Sarah x