What does how you buy clothes say about your approach to life? Plus a two-stage approach to saying no.
When I was younger I had no idea about what looked good on me.
I'd go shopping and buy any old clothes that were either way too big, or made me feel so self-conscious I never wore them. I'd have a sense that they didn't look amazing, but I didn't really know what did. So it was 'not quite-right clothes' or 'nothing' (and nudity in my Devon state school c.1998 wasn't really the vibe).
Nowadays, I love going clothes shopping with my sister because she gives me REALLY HONEST feedback about how I look in different outfits.
'That does NOTHING for you!'
'It's just not flattering.'
This may sound 'way harsh, Cher' but it's actually about having high expectations about how clothes should look and feel.
When I do find a winner she'll say 'that looks amazing!', 'yes, get it!'
It's an amazing feeling to be in an outfit that properly fits and makes you look radiant. Now I know what looks good, I will no longer buy things that don't. And if I do make a rogue purchase, it gets Marie Kondo'd pretty quickly.
*ANALOGY ALERT*
It's the same with activities in my life - now I know what it feels like to be involved in projects, house-shares, courses and hobbies that light me up, I can no longer say yes to things that don't.
You may have guessed where this is going... Yep, I decided to withdraw from the MA that I talked about in my last Carousel.
I went to the course for a week, fully showed up, joined the WhatsApp groups, acted like I was studying there...
But there was a sinking feeling throughout whispering to me:
'This just isn't good enough for you.'
'This feels like a SLOG'
'This doesn't feel exciting.'
My brain went on overdrive challenging me: am I being lazy? Am I demanding too much? Am I trying to self-sabotage? Am I expecting life to be one big fairground?
But ultimately I kept coming back to the feeling of joy and full-body-yes that I have experienced time and time again... with my comedy night, running retreats, when I played at Glastonbury, even the enjoyment I feel doing my finances sometimes... I know that that is now my barometer. And I didn't feel even a drop of that here.
I saw a friend last Sunday at an event and told her about my decision to stop the MA. She asked me whether my work with quitting over the years had helped me to make the decision.
I paused and considered it.
''You know what, it's a two-stage approach:
STAGE 1 is even recognising the feeling of misalignment (these clothes don't fit properly, I don't feel good in this outfit, this course doesn't light me up)
STAGE 2 is believing that you have permission to follow that feeling
I think for YEARS I've experienced Stage 1 very strongly. I've always been on quite high alert for things not feeling right: whether that's friendship groups I don't belong to, extra-curricular groups that no longer feel joyful, jobs that are a drain on my energy. Between the ages of 16-18 I worked 8 hour shifts on the till at Sainsbury's and hated every moment. It didn't even cross my mind I could look for another job, or that there might be a job that I enjoyed more! In my head 'jobs were boring' and you just had to suck it up.
But it's only recently that I've believed I'm able to say no. This is the crucial shift. To experience something as 'not right' or 'not good enough' and to TRUST THAT. To trust that you know yourself: that you're not 'self-sabotaging' or 'playing small'. That maybe, it's just not where you want to be and that you deserve better.
The power to walk away from the MA has been a huge turning point for me. To be able to say 'it's not right - but that's okay'.
And I know I've quit a lot of things over the past few years - this isn't new. But there was a significance in it being an institution, that I was saying 'actually I don't need you' and that instead of a highly structured MA, I have chosen the space and the unknown.
I chose the FULL BODY NO.
Thank you to everyone who reached out after the last Carousel. I feel like I have been on such a rollercoaster and I really appreciated the messages of support, encouragement, recognition, empathy.
So my question to you to ponder this Friday is:
1) Where in your life are you feeling that something is not right? That the clothes ''don't fit''?
2) Do you give yourself permission to take the outfit back? To try something new that makes you feel amazing?
Sending love to everyone,
Sarah x