August Bank Holiday used to be my NEMESIS.
An annual anxious-filled 3 days where I would walk around London looking at all the friendship groups at picnics and in pub gardens, and feel confronted by my own social set-up- am I part of a group? Do I have this much fun?
I used to be so nervous about these important sunny weekends, that I’d book myself up months in advance with a festival, or a weekend away, or another camino. I’d breathe a sigh of relief as a friend or family member said yes to a plan: ANYTHING to not spend those long weekends alone.
So it feels like a point of celebration that I voluntarily gave up my ticket to Shambala Music Festival in order to spend the bank holiday weekend, well, with no plans at all really.
In my previous Carousel about taking a month off this summer, I shared how I didn’t really have any FOMO this summer. One of the reasons for this is I spent time really feeling into what I needed, and then taking action.
For example, when a friend organised a big party that would take place 4 days into a family holiday, I (admittedly tentatively) rang up my family and shared that I would be changing my flights to come a few days later. I realised that it was important to me to also spend time with chosen family, and that I would be able to be much more present on the holiday if I’d also honoured my social needs. I noticed I didn’t have one moment on the family trip where I felt I needed to be anywhere else, whereas I know I’d have been feeling all the FOMO if I’d have skipped the party for fear of upsetting my family.
For my whole life I’ve experienced the feeling of ‘I should be somewhere else’ or ‘something else is better’ or ‘I’d be having more fun there.’ Part of this is the grass is always greener, sure. But it was often stemming from the reality that I hadn’t calmly and consciously chosen the things I was doing. I’d either panic-organised them, for fear of being alone. Or I’d been invited and not felt I could say no to them, for fear of upsetting people.
So this year, knowing I had a choice, I…
asked myself what I truly wanted to do
made sure I did that (as it’s not fair on others if you’re there resentfully)
This may seem selfish, or self-centered, but I truly feel I was able to be at every family gathering, wedding ceremony, birthday toast, swim by the reservoir, coffee date with total presence this summer, because I really did want to be there and actually had the time for that person or those people.
So what happened with Shambala?
Interestingly I’d never bought a ticket when they were on sale, so maybe I wasn’t really that keen in the first place. I’d then found a few ways to get in as a volunteer, but they all fell through. Finally a friend said I could buy her ticket so I decided to take it. It was mainly from FOMO, because I knew so many people going.
But the feeling kept niggling. When I imagined myself at the festival I felt tired. I felt like I was going through the motions putting my tent up one more time. Why am I paying to do this?!
When a friend asked me ‘what would you LOVE to do for the bank holiday?’ my whole body relaxed as I said ‘maybe just come to the reservoir and swim and read my book every day? And write?’
It felt like bliss.
I decided that day to sell my ticket, and even when friends were getting excited for the festival, I didn’t regret it.
Even when they were all there and I was sitting at home alone, I didn’t regret it.
Even when they came back with stories, I didn’t regret it.
Because I’d really spent time honouring how I wanted to feel and what I needed.
I hadn’t given in to the FOMO or to the bank holiday anxiety.
And what did I do? I had a long non-rushed swim and coffee with one of my oldest friends.
I watched TWO films (I never watch films).
I got bored.
I slept.
I made some food.
I went to Specsavers.
I went and played with a friend and her dog.
And probably most importantly, I had the space to be present for an unexpected house move, which presented itself the day before Shambala. Maybe some part of me knew I needed to clear the space. Or maybe the move was even possible, because I’d cleared the space.
I feel so proud of this decision. To have faced the part of me that would always need the security of a strong social plan over a big weekend.
I wanted to share this, partly as a record for myself, but also to share how powerful it can be to make unconventional choices (especially if you’re an extrovert like me and choosing space and less social time can feel like an edge.)
To anyone feeling like they’re saying yes to something that doesn’t feel quite right.
If you have a commitment in the diary that you don’t have the energy for.
If you have to let someone down to change your mind on how you need to spend your time.
Know that there is real gold on the other side of that, if you allow integrity to conquer the fear of letting others down (and who knows, they might surprise you…)
With love
Sarah