Would you still write a book if no-one ever knew about it?
Hello Carousellers,
🎠For those of you who are new here, Carousel is a model that supports you to work intuitively with your many projects and interests, and this newsletter consists of musings to support you to live in this way. You can read up more here.
I want to talk to you today about doing things for external validation.
During the 3rd lockdown I spent four days making a Corrs Lockdown Parody music video, featuring many wigs. I was in a hyperfocus flow state where I barely remembered to eat. Every night I went to bed I couldn't wait to wake up the next day to keep working on it. When I shared the video, a few people engaged, and it didn't go viral. But I'd had the time of my life making it!
Then a few months ago I had the idea to sample some quotes of Jürgen from Bake Off and make a dance track. As I made it I thought 'people are going to love this'. I spent hours making it, but I was focused on it going viral. I think about 3 people listened to it. I was gutted! Because although I had enjoyed making it, my sense of achievement was placed in how others responded.
When are we creating things because of what others will think, and when is it just for us?
In the latter the act itself feels complete.
You don't need others to acknowledge it, or like it, or applaud it.
If they do, bonus, but it's not the end goal.
When we do things for others' approval and external validation then the act is not complete until we get that feedback. And the feedback itself, if it comes, is like junk food - it fills a temporary hole, but doesn't really make us feel that good.
But come on, we're all human here. When we write a book, train for a marathon, create a podcast, are we supposed to be self-assured saints who are totally indifferent to how others' respond? Surely we are kidding ourselves to believe that there is some total non-attachment here...
And yet... I do think there are activities for all of us where we feel enough in the moment. Where the act itself feels so fabulous that we really are indifferent to what others think. For years it's felt like my mission on this earth is to find those things for me, and help others to find theirs too.
My just-for-the-joy activities are becoming clearer... Playing the piano in public nourishes me to the core. Sometimes people say well done after the gig, but I'm fine if they don't. Because I'm buzzing from the music.
I'm bloody loving cold water swimming. Sure I made a big song and dance on social media about my first dip of the year (8 degrees come on....) but I feel such euphoria when I'm in the water.
I've been writing this for the past 2 hours and haven't checked my phone once.
I'm not saying here that we should never ever enjoy people's reactions or want to make people happy through the things we make. Of course we partly create to entertain or to make people feel something. But ideally we have already been nourished by creating it.
With my coaching clients a question I love to ask is 'what would you still do even if no-one ever knew about it?'
This really pushes them to go deep into the real intrinsic motivation.
Would you still write that book?
Would you still take that job?
Would you still make that TikTok video?
What would it be like to really permit yourself to spend your life on the just-for-joy activities? To even entertain spending your time in this way?
I had a client the other day who felt like she hadn't made anything of her life. When we talked about what she REALLY wanted to do with her time, it was gardening.
I asked her, 'when you're gardening, what do you think about your life goals and what you've achieved?'
She laughed, 'Oh... I don't even think about it!'
We can spend so much time and energy working out what to do with our lives, where to focus, what our goals are. And yet, when we're in these activities of total joy and nourishment, we're not even plugged into this crazy success/goal/achievement programme anymore. We are just BEING.
On my Carousel at the moment...
I recently made an IRL Carousel model - putting post-its of all my current activities onto the different parts of the model. It was pretty eye-opening. About 15 things at the front of my Carousel all asking for my attention. Since laying it out I've moved a few things to the back, decided to bring a few projects to a close, parked others for now. It's a good project declutterer!
At the (decluttered) front of my Carousel:
💛 CTI Certification - I'm getting my 100 hours in to be certified as a Co-Active Coach.
💃🏻 Flamenco lessons - pure joy - no performances or feedback yet ;)
🎹 Piano - Playing in the band for Sunday Assembly and being the pianist for a few musical improv groups
🎙 Series 1 of my podcast - Knowing When to Quit. Latest one with John Williams is all about Quitting as an Ideas Person - highly recommend for Carousellers!
🌳 Preparing for a Singing Retreat next weekend in Devon - SOLD OUT! But if you're up for a Spring Retreat, my friend Iona is running a fabulous one in Glastonbury last week of April in collaboration with Morning Gloryville.
Still a lot, isn't it! But this is Carousel living. THRIVING IN VARIETY.
Until next time, folks.
Thanks for reading and remember I'm writing for the joy and am totally indifferent to people responding
(AND it's nice to hear from people too...)
Sarah x